


Healing

by nervouspunkboy



Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Alcohol, Chapter 2: Horseshoe Overlook (Red Dead Redemption 2), Comfort, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, Insecurity, Javier Escuella is in love, John Marston is in love, John Marston talks about his feelings, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, mlm author, other gang members mentioned but no one makes an appearance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:27:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27230443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nervouspunkboy/pseuds/nervouspunkboy
Summary: “When’s the last time you kissed me?”The question hit like a shot to the stomach. His mouth suddenly dry. He remembered it well; it had been a little hurried. Messy. Not nearly as good and drawn out as he would’ve liked it to be, not before being gone for a full year. He’d been drunk and just wanted to be close to Javier because he’d known he was leaving, couldn’t help but run but he’d wanted one last second with Javier. They hadn’t. . . kissed since then. Despite wanting to, Javier had leaned in close for it but John had kept up a wall between them for some reason. He’d missed Javier like he was missing a part of himself and yet he’d kept space between them.He was tired of it.“Too long,” John whispered, “it’s been too long Javi.”“It has,” Javier agreed, sadness clearer this time. “So why don’t you?”
Relationships: Javier Escuella/John Marston
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	Healing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wastelandwolff](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wastelandwolff/gifts).



> took a small break from cowboytober prompts and finished this gift for my lovely friend! 
> 
> In the early weeks of Horseshoe Overlook, before the story really starts, John is healing. He's sore and insecure about the now permanent wounds on his face and he's worried about his relationship with Javier. Near freezing to death after a wolf attack makes a man think about what's important to him. He still loves Javier and he hopes Javier still loves him back, after all he's done and with what will be big scars on his face.

John groaned as he slowly stood, getting off his cot and standing in the middle of his tent. He shifted, side to side and winced when he put too much weight on his right leg. His body still ached, and he got dizzy at times, but the bandages were off his face and that was something. His vision was still shit though.

Camp was quiet outside, but he expected that. They’d only been at the new camp for a week now, and they were missing people. Some just missing, others dead. But that was too much to think about right now. He’d been cooped up in his tent for the majority of their time here so far; Abigail insisting he needed rest so he could heal. But he was tired of lying around, tired of being mocked, or worse, pitied. He really just needed a drink and to see Javier. 

He moved slow out of his tent, looking around him. Most everyone was asleep or on watch. He looked to the main fire but Javier wasn’t there. He sighed and tried to swallow his disappointment. Charles wasn’t there either, maybe they took a watch shift. 

John walked towards Pearson’s wagon, focused on that crate of beer. Dutch’s tent was closed up and quiet. Arthur was already asleep and John was thankful, he was too tired to put up with him right now. Hosea, Lenny, and Bill were all sleeping in their space and John made sure not to wake any of them as he moved past. Not that he needed to work hard, Bill’s snoring would cover anything. He would know, Javier and him had taken advantage of that plenty of times. 

He smiled to himself and sighed as he grabbed for a beer bottle, purposely not giving the man tied to a tree any attention. He took a long drink and sighed, tilting his head back to stare at the stars. He groaned and immediately looked back down, the world starting to spin around him. His head throbbed and he cursed quietly to himself. Christ, he hated this. He hated how he felt right now and he was tired of the stitches, of the pain on the entire right side of his body. 

He glanced to the perimeter of camp, trying to make out any shapes that could be Javier but he found nothing. John took another drink and sighed, just listening to camp for a moment. Underneath all the sounds of nature, he heard soft music and he swore his heart beat faster. Damn if it he wasn’t still a little dumb with affection. He grabbed another beer from the crate and walked in the direction of the sound. As he got closer to the scout fire he saw him, Javier sitting on the ground playing quietly. He was illuminated in a beautiful orange glow. He was wearing his blue jacket tonight and had his hat off. John always liked that color on him and he wanted to take his hair down. Javier with his hair down was one of John’s favorite things to see. 

“Mind if I join you, stranger?” His voice was scratchy and felt too loud in the moment but Javier smiled, looking up at him. 

“Not at all.” He kept playing and watched John as he sat beside him. 

John offered the second beer, “drink?” 

“Thank you,” he paused playing and took the bottle from John and set it beside him. “Good to see you.” 

John huffed and stared into the fire, “I ain’t so easy on the eyes right now.” He mumbled and Javier made a sound, dissatisfied with John’s deflection. He never did like it when John was hard on himself. 

“How are you feeling?” Javier asked, setting his guitar to the side, propping it up against the stool. 

“Like I was mauled by wolves and nearly froze to death.” John laughed and Javier laughed with him. They always laughed easy together. 

John watched as Javier opened his beer and took a drink, eyes moving to his neck and watching as he swallowed. 

And of course Javier found him watching and gave him a grin. John took a slow breath and felt his cheeks warm. 

“Feel like,” his voice came out rough and he cleared his throat, “feel like it’s been ages since it’s just the two of us.” John said, quiet in the night air. The fire was warm on his front and for a moment he felt 23 again, sitting alone with Javier getting to know him better and really, _really_ , wanting to kiss him. 

Javier nodded, “it has.” and he looked over John’s face. Even with him saying so little, John heard millions of things in his voice. Sadness, longing, and a bit of anger. It’d been about three years now since John left, another two since he’d come back. Three years since Javier found him miles away from camp on his own, had just looked at John and told him to stay safe and left him where he’d found him. John knows that Javier never told the others he found him, that he did find him after he disappeared. He’d let John walk away. Even after everything between them. Which...John still didn’t know if it was there. If Javier returned his feelings anymore and even if he didn’t, John wouldn’t blame him. He’d _left_. Jesus, Arthur hadn’t let it go. Abigail hadn’t either, Jack hadn’t because Abigail hadn’t but he wasn’t sure where he stood with Javier. 

“I,” John started but then stopped, not sure what to say but feeling like he had to say _something_. It was as if Javier’s few words were a challenge or...maybe more of a door opening. Offering John to step through and cross a threshold he hadn’t yet, to meet Javier where he was and just talk about it already. 

“You look like you’re thinking hard.” Javier said and John looked at him, found him smiling like he always did when he was teasing him. John loved that smile. 

“Oh and what’s my thinking face look like?” 

Javier scowled then, scrunching his eyebrows in an exaggerated way and John burst into laughter, trying to quiet it into his hand. Javier cracked into a big smile with him and laughed quieter. 

“What’s on your mind John?” He asked, softly and so damn kindly. He had every reason to be mean to John, to be cold with him, and John’s sure that Javier was still hurt, still a little angry, and he deserved to be. But damn it, if he ain’t gentle with him. 

“A lot of things, as surprising as that may be.” John snarked and Javier shook his head. 

“Not that surprising, we’ve all been through a lot these last few weeks.” 

“Well it ain't just everything that’s happened lately but us, I’m thinking about us.” John mumbled and took a long drink again. 

“Oh? What about us?” Javier tilted his head and looked John’s face over and John fought the urge to hide, to hide his scars. Javier noticed the look he must’ve made, the shift in his mood. “What is it?” 

“Scars,” John rasps, “I’m just, I’m gonna scar and I know it’s nasty looking right now.” 

Javier was shaking his head before he finished his thought. John looked back into the fire and took another drink. His beer was almost empty and damn it he wanted another. 

There’s a gentle touch on his cheek, and John nearly startles, ready to yank himself back and away from it, skin still tender to any pressure. He looks up at Javier who’s just watching him and there’s so much kindness in his eyes that John leans into the affection. 

“There’s nothing wrong with scarring, it’s not like you were going to get out of being mauled without a few scratches.” Javier said. 

John shrugged and then sighed, defeated almost. “It ain’t so bad, it’s not like it’s damaging much. I was already ugly, least these make me look intimidating.” John said and Javier frowned. 

“Do you think I’m ugly?” Javier asked, calm and measured and John startled nearly as much as when he was touched. The idea so outlandish to him. He scoffed and looked at Javier like he’d grown a third eye. 

“Christ, no. Never, Javi, you’re,” and he wasn’t the best with words, never really had been. Smooth talking didn’t come to him like he wanted it to, especially when he desperately wanted to be. He’d love to be even half as poetic and capable of the fine words he’s heard from Javier about him, about anybody really. 

“Then do you think my scars are ugly?” Javier asked, still kind with his tone if firm with John. Like he’s repeating something to a child that he’s tired of having to say but still willing to repeat it because it needs to be repeated. 

“No, but that’s different,” 

“It’s not though John.” Javier smiled, and shook his head, “it’s not different and you know that. There’s nothing wrong with your wounds, and there’ll be nothing wrong with your scars. I meant it when I said you were pretty, I always mean it.” Javier said and John could swear he was leaning in. Or maybe he just wanted him to be.

“Thought you were messing with me,” John mumbled, stinging with insecurity.

“Why would I mess with you? Did I ever do anything to make you think I wasn’t genuine?” Javier asked, an almost defensive tone to his voice. 

“No, no, no,” John reached out to touch Javier’s elbow, keeping the hand on his cheek. “You’re one of the most honest of us all, I just, you know I got a hard time…” 

“Accepting kindness? I know,” Javier grinned and John huffed again. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m difficult. We’ve been over this.”

“Hm you are,” Javier hummed but there was nothing but love in his tone, in his eyes, and the way he smiled at John. 

God, John just wanted to kiss him again. 

Javier’s smile widened and he brought his thumb down to stroke across John’s bottom lip. He let out a shaking breath and Javier just chuckled. John let out a soft laugh too, heart racing in his throat. This man could play him better than any guitar, and John was happy to let him. He’d asked for it time and again and he would ask more. 

“When’s the last time you kissed me?” 

The question hit like a shot to the stomach. His mouth suddenly dry. He remembered it well; it had been a little hurried. Messy. Not nearly as good and drawn out as he would’ve liked it to be, not before being gone for a full year. He’d been drunk and just wanted to be close to Javier because he’d known he was leaving, couldn’t help but run but he’d wanted one last second with Javier. They hadn’t. . . kissed since then. Despite wanting to, Javier had leaned in close for it but John had kept up a wall between them for some reason. He’d missed Javier like he was missing a part of himself and yet he’d kept space between them. 

He was tired of it. 

“Too long,” John whispered, “it’s been too long Javi.” 

“It has,” Javier agreed, sadness clearer this time. “So why don’t you?” He asked, holding his hand out of that doorway now, openly inviting John through the threshold and who was he to turn Javier down?

He leaned in slow, moved closer to Javier around the fire and Javier met him halfway. John set his beer down to his left as he met Javier’s lips and he knew it fell over as soon as he did but he couldn’t care. Javier’s hand left his cheek and rested on his hand on the ground. 

John’s heart was beating hard in his chest as if it was the first time they kissed, and it was in a way. At least the first time since he’d come back. He couldn’t believe it took him this long. 

Javier’s lips were soft and moved with John’s, gentle and warm and John never wanted to stop kissing him. He could do this for hours, had done it for hours before. He smiled into it and pressed a little closer, kissed a little more insistently and Javier pressed closer, brought his other hand to rest on John’s chest, right over his heart. 

Javier pulled back for a moment and John made a sound, insistent and upset that Javier pulled back. He was met with a soft laugh. 

“Careful, I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” 

“I won’t,” 

“John, I mean it, we shouldn’t strain your stitches.” 

“Just, keep kissing me slow then?” 

John looked over Javier’s face, so close to him now and Javier tilted his head and cupped his left cheek, before his hand slid back to the back of John’s head, down to his neck and pulled him closer. 

“If you insist,” Javier teased and John went in with more force this time, eager now to just keep kissing him. 

He’d missed out on this for too long to stop now. 

John opened his mouth more into the kiss and Javier did the same, it made John sigh into his lips. 

They kissed for a while, both of them breathing louder through their noses, lips wet and audible in the quiet night, only the crackling fire and animals in the distance to drown them out but no one was over here and even if the people on watch did see, neither of them cared. The camp had surely heard worse from the before, not that they even cared then. 

John moaned into it when he swiped his tongue across Javier’s bottom lip and Javier returned it but before he could do more, Javier gently gripped his hair and pulled back. John laughed, breathless and pressed his forehead to Javier’s. 

“Sorry, you uh, you do things to me.” John sighed and Javier grinned, pressed a kiss to the corner of John’s lips. 

“I know.” 

They stayed like that a moment, foreheads together and breathing one another in. 

“S’been too long.” John sighed, “I’m sorry Javi, I, I know it don’t make it better but I,” and he looked all over Javier’s face, and Javier just waited for him to speak. He wasn’t going to push for answers, push anything out of John but he also wasn’t going to immediately soothe him. John had done something wrong, and he knows it and Javier wasn’t one to pretend he hadn’t been hurt by what someone had done. He didn’t just let it go and forget. Especially not if the person who’d hurt him didn’t acknowledge it, didn’t apologize. 

“I love you,” John sighed, and Javier smiled so sweet. 

“I love you too.” He returned and leaned back to look at John and John didn’t feel like hiding as fast this time. 

And for some reason, hearing it returned again after so long, it made John’s heart clench, his eyes prick just a little. He knew that, he knew Javier loved or at least he had hoped. He hoped Javier still had love for him after leaving, after keeping space between them when he’d returned. And to hear it, reaffirmed, to be reminded that the man he loved so much returned it was almost too much. He sighed, tried to shake off the feeling of tears because he didn’t want to cry, not right now. 

“Was worried you stopped, after everything I’ve done.” John admitted and Javier sighed. 

“John, even Abigail still loves you.” He almost laughed, like he couldn’t believe that John thought he didn’t love him. Abigail had more reason that most, than possibly any of them, closely followed by Javier, to absolutely detest John and yet everything Javier had seen from her was that she still loved John. Did she like him most days? Oh of course not, and even Javier couldn’t blame her. But that's another story. 

John huffed and looked into the fire, not sure what to do with that. 

“I know, even though it don’t feel like. I just, I left you. I know I left all of you but I left you and when I came back I ignored you and this is the first time we talked about it and I don’t know, I,” John shrugged, run his hand through his hair. He needed a wash. “I love you and I coulda...I coulda died up there or on the boat and I just hate to think of...” 

To think of dying without ever reminding Javier one last time of how damn important he was to him. How much Javier mattered to him and just how hopelessly in love with him he was. 

“But you’re here, you’re still here and you can still tell me whatever it is you need to say.” Javier took his hand in his and held it tight. 

On instinct, John started rubbing his thumb back and forth. 

“One conversation ain't gonna fix what I’ve done, not for you or for anyone but I just need you to know I’m sorry and I love you, I do.” He heaved a big breath after saying it, like pressure on his chest had finally left and he could breathe again. At least just a little clearer. 

“I know, and I love you too.” Javier brought his other hand up to turn John’s face to look at him, rubbing his thumb across John’s chin gently. “I took a step back, when you met me with resistance, after you came back. I never stopped loving you but I knew you needed to figure out what you wanted, what you were going to do and I wasn’t going to make that decision for you. I’m not going to make that decision for you. If you didn’t want me anymore, I was going to hurt myself trying to make you want me.” He said, firm and in a way it stung but John needed to hear it. He knew he needed to hear it and he listened. 

John nodded, letting the words sink in. They stayed quiet for a moment, just taking everything in. John’s apology, Javier’s explanation and while John was still nervous he felt better. 

Things hadn’t been _bad_ in the last year, and they’d gotten closer again in the last few months, but they hadn’t been perfect. They hadn’t been like before. John hadn’t known what he could and couldn’t do, could and couldn’t ask for. But he felt a little better about trying to kiss Javier now, better about flirting with him. Things were still confusing to say the least but John felt relieved, like he knew a part of himself again. Something he knew, understood, and could rely on when he didn’t have the answers to anything else. 

“We’re okay,” Javier broke the silence and John smiled and looked over Javier’s face once more. 

He was so heartbreakingly handsome, especially in the firelight late in the night. John could stay there forever. But his body still ached and he needed to sleep. 

“Yeah?” John asked

Javier smiled and nodded, “yeah.” 

John leaned in for another kiss and Javier met him easy, it stayed slow and appropriate for being out in the open which was rare for them. 

When he pulled away, he sighed heavily. 

“Okay?” Javier asked, voice tinged with worry. 

“Sore,” John mumbled but then smiled, sly and as temptingly as he could, “want to come back to my tent with me and help me feel better?” 

“Oh very funny John, I meant it when I said no straining your stitches.” 

John laughed and started to stand up, groaning as he did. He stood still for a moment, let the world spin and then stop before opening his eyes and looking down at Javier, holding his hand out. 

“Fine, well at least walk me to my tent?” 

“Of course,” Javier stood and took John’s hand, grabbed his guitar with the other. 

They walked quietly to the front of John’s tent. The ladies were all sleeping in front of their wagon. Charles was on watch, standing by the horses and he waved to them when they glanced his way. 

Arthur was still asleep, turned in towards his wagon. Uncle was around the fire but sounded like he was snoring. Javier should hopefully have a peaceful time trying to fall asleep tonight. 

They paused at the entrance of John’s tent, John wanting nothing more than to pull the man in with him and kiss him until sunrise. Javier looked like he wanted to do the same but it was best for both of them to just get some sleep. They still needed time to heal, to work out all the wrinkles and kinks. 

“Goodnight John,” Javier whispered and leaned up, while John leaned down to kiss him. They lingered there, John’s hand going to Javier’s cheek and soaking up all his warmth before pulling back. 

“Night.” 

He gave Javier one more quick kiss before Javier nudged him towards his bed. 

“Get some sleep, I’ll see that pretty face in the morning.” Javier smiled and John hummed, hesitating to let go of Javier’s hand but in the end he did and returned to his bed. 

He watched Javier go to his own bedroll and settle in for the night before closing up his tent and taking off his boots and settling down. 

He would probably wake up sore and angry, would have to deal with Arthur needling him if he was in a bad mood, Abigail insisting he needs to keep resting while everyone else mocked him. But Javier loved him. Javier loved him and they would be okay. 

They were going to be okay. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> as always thank you to nico and giselle for always reading my stuff so it's presentable to the public! 
> 
> kudos and comments always appreciated!!


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